me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!