me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas