Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit