Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’m already scared
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!