me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.