Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳