me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”