Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Guantanamo Bae
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I support this random dude and all his protests
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?