Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
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Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it