@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

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@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@primawesome

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@NerishaLakha

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

@notsoevilrick

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it