@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

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@AOC

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

@charliedelta7

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

@Chimfxck_

*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@dumbbeezie

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

@Awesomemom10

Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi