Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”