A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.