Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice