Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
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Expectations vs. Reality
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.