Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.