“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Krampus.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.