Me: Oh shit, this guy is really cute
Body: Here, have a cold sore

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[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.


Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.


ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.


If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.


him: I love indiana jones movies

me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg

him: awesome

him: hi

steven spielberg’s wife: hello


Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”

*Pushes her in front of a bus.*


*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*


The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.


A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married