Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: Oh shit, this guy is really cute
Body: Here, have a cold sore
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
God: you’re nocturnal.
Cricket: what does that mean?
God: it means you can only be heard at night.
God: and after bad jokes lol.
Cricket: [cricket noises].
“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy