[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Oh shit, this guy is really cute
Body: Here, have a cold sore
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Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
him: I love indiana jones movies
me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg
steven spielberg’s wife: hello
Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”
*Pushes her in front of a bus.*
*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*
*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”
*already locked myself in the bathroom*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married