ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.