Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.