Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Not recommended for beginners.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
That’s amazing.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.