Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
look at me when i’m typing to you
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf