me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother
Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*