@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

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@TommyRainmaker

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

@JaimeSamantha

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

@lisaxy424

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@1slowery1

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

@JB4Realz

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*