You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful
Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
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The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[One week into body training]
Me: GOD this is taking so long
Trainer: how long were you expecting?
Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present – They are due back at the library tomorrow.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at