@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

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@slimmy_shady

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@BillMc7

I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@Rica_Bee

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

@ChipKellysBalls

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@decentbirthday

Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

@3sunzzz

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.