Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget

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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?


After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.


[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN


I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.


My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.


I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings


It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them


People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.


Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me


Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.