@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

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@TheAndrewNadeau

You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful

@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@mindflakes

I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not

@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

@looktothepickle

[One week into body training]

Me: GOD this is taking so long

Trainer: how long were you expecting?

Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?

@tsnotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

@CherylCheryl94

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present – They are due back at the library tomorrow.

@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

@Parkerlawyer

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

@the_paramedicK

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes