“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The Onion called it…again.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.