ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.