ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
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Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Very good news from my accountant
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.