Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

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WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.


ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.


COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real


“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist


People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.


I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”


My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.