Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Who.
Did.
This?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges