@ArfMeasures

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

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@TheAndrewNadeau

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@tastefactory

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

@UnicornSyrup

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@NickC46

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.