Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.