@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

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@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

@Tbone7219

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

@ericsshadow

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

@WritePlay

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

@Harbinger_one

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

@jasonmustian

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over