ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

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Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…



Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment

He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails


Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.


Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.


My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.


He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid


I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping


The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…


Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.