@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

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@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@USMCSDI

BREAKING NEWS:

Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment

He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails

@GrowlyGrego

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

@iinkedZombie

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

@tequilasaltlife

He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping

@TheBoydP

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

@Nikkeya08

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.