“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Me: starting now.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.