ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
couldn’t resist
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.