ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.