Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?