Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You Might Also Like
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
#titanic
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.