Keep “Christ in “Christopher Lloyd” because without it, he’d be “Opher Lloyd” and that sounds like “overlord.” Huh? I’ll have a Sprite.
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”
-Steve Harvey M.D.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear