Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
You Might Also Like
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
my favorite genre of twitter
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
scared to check what name she chose
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I came this close!!!!
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest