me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Not my job 😂
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
That eye roll….
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?