Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
If something happened to me today, my legacy would be how much my kids say “like”