Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured