Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.


You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.


*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*


I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.


To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.


[First Day as a doctor]

Nurse: We need to draw some blood

Me: *Sweating* I forgot my crayons and drawing sheets

Patient: *fainted*


[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??


Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.


You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things

1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing

2. Always put on clean underwear before going out

3. Never snort black pepper

4. Always be kind


I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.