Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.