I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: Okay, bed time.
Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.
Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
White Rabbit: oh shit
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….
and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I want minions for Christmas.
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible