me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏