@AverageCorners

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!

Me: Okay, bed time.

Brain: I’m with you, man. I’m tired.

Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE “PATIENCE” BY GUNS N’ ROSES!

- @AverageCorners

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@SteveSuckington

Fun prank:

1: steal your married friends phone

2: change your name to “Brandi from the club”

3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM

@Fred_Delicious

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

@Adar79Angie

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@ibid78

-Joe’s coming over.
“Joe from work or Joe who thinks he’s the Norse god, Thor?”
[the distant sound of thunder makes the guacamole quiver]

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

@leahlovescheez

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

@FudgeRobot

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

@iRowlf

It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.