Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I don’t know what to do
man i love columbo
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.