ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I knock some sense into people with a hammer.
When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.
-me, right now
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed