@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

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@EndhooS

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

@pondermymaker

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

@iamMunga

Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.

@KimJongSean

The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed