Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Perfect
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.