Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.