Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
men are simple creatures
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem