ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
This meal prepping shit easy
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.