After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation’s trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.