Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

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I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.


– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?


Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.


ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist


Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.


Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.


To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.


Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.