Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Livid.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.