[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.