My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?