ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Leaving the Barbers like
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.