Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.