You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
You can call me tonight.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.