Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

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Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.


Thanks for cradling your stomach in all your pictures because otherwise I’d never know you were pregnant.


Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”


To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.


Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.


Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.


The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi



MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”


WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less


*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk

*waits for you to finish

*sets fan to “oscillate”