@gaurav_verma23

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

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@abrosenthal

Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.

@jellybnbonanza

Thanks for cradling your stomach in all your pictures because otherwise I’d never know you were pregnant.

@FeelingMervis

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

@tmoswole

To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@TheBoydP

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

@DopeyTweeter

Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@VeganZebra

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

@Poutymcgee

*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk

*waits for you to finish

*sets fan to “oscillate”