Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.