ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”