Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”