Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
What a website
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
buys donuts instead
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why